First hurdle past. Now what?

The first 2 weeks of class have passed in a blink: I’m through technologies and feeling like a person with whiplash. Clinicals start next week, and from the paperwork I’m led to believe that this time we have three patients at a time. That’ll be a change. I dare to hope that they will decrease the paperwork for each patient, because if they don’t it will equate to 60 hours of paperwork per week (I usually spent about 10 hours a week for 1 day with 1 patient, and this is 2 days with 3 patients each). That seems unreasonable even for nursing school, but I won’t really be surprised if there is still a ton of paperwork. I feel hungover from the beginning of this semester. I’ve been really tired and in pain (this stupid nerve-damaged arm feels like a constant toothache, which isn’t a major thing, but it WEARS on me), and our tech final stressed me out worse than tests usually stress me out. I more often than usual felt I’d never even seen the material before and had decided I’d failed tech and would be a semester behind. Which caused me to decide to drop out of school, because I don’t think I can tolerate school for even one day past December. (I did not fail the exam; inexplicably, I got a 96%.)

The weird part of this story is that our tech teacher told me that I was driving her crazy being so nervous about the test and that she hadn’t gotten any sleep the night after the exam because we students were so nervous. I don’t think a causal connection was implied (I didn’t e-mail her after the exam, unlike some other folks), but I thought, "OK: YOU didn’t get any sleep, but *I* need to chill out?" Does anyone else see a disconnect? Everyone is so freaking stressed at school (faculty and students) that it’s become a cesspool of dysfunction and panic. I really don’t think all nursing schools are this bad. I work with aids who go to other schools, and their programs don’t seem to be this bad. They even feel sorry for people who go to my school. Still, everyone admits that my school gives the best theoretical background of all the local BSN programs, so I cling to that to avoid blaming myself for stupidity in choosing to go here. I feel so discouraged that I keep wanting to cry. It’s very bad. I hope it’s a phase that passes QUICKLY. I try to keep a positive attitude because it just makes things easier, but every time I turn around I step into an expanse of very deep incompetence (eg, e-mail from teacher: "thank you for your timelyness; we’ll find a time too meet&quot or bullshit. No one knows what we go through just for the pleasure of being nurses! I have GOT to find a way to tolerate frustration better, or I’m sunk in this profession.

Anyway. I’m a-drinkin’ coffee, browsing Facebook, and preparing to shower and go to work. It’s my next-to-last night shift, and I am VERY grateful for the upcoming change to day shift. I hope I won’t feel hungover all the time when the schedule changes. And yes, you read correctly. My digital diet hasn’t worked any better than a real diet: I ended up reactivating my FB account as a result of peer pressure most foul. Well, it was a worthy attempt.